Early relationships vs parents

 I found an article about a very timely controversial issue of how serious a teenager can fall in love and how a parent managed to supervise her son. I wanted to share this to debunk some claims that prohibiting a child from doing something is to only keep them safe. But in a much more deeper perspective, it wasn’t only keeping them safe but it was also keeping them from growing.

“I thought about forbidding him from dating, but knew it was probably a little late for that. Besides, “forbidding” a child from doing anything often doesn’t result in compliance; more often results in secretive, rebellious behavior. The “wait, watch and see” approach is the one I opted for in the end. I did implement some limits as to where, when and how long he and his girlfriend-of-the-moment could spend time together. I opted for situations where there was going to be supervision: our house when I was home, the girlfriend’s house when a parent was going to be home, chaperoned dances and other public outings. How much time depended upon whether or not other expectations were being met, such as not being behind with household responsibilities or work in school. If there was missing school work or chores were starting to suffer, I limited the time they would get to spend with each other until these responsibilities were fulfilled consistently once again. As for allowing my son to buy gifts for what I considered to be “temporary” relationships, I let him buy what he wanted, as long as he had the money for it. There were discussions around a gift being a gift, with no strings attached; buying something for someone you really like and care about didn’t mean they would like or care about you more, nor did it mean they would “owe” you anything in return. A couple of times he got his feelings hurt when he bought an expensive gift ($30 dollar necklace) for a one-month or six-month anniversary and then was broken up with shortly after. I offered him empathy and a listening ear. Even though I wanted to take the pain away, solace was all I could really offer him.  As hard as it was to see him sad and heartbroken, I knew he was learning an important life lesson, and skills for dealing with future heartache. Unfortunately, none of us are immune from that. Adolescent relationships, with their giddy, head-over-heels bliss and forlorn heartache, help us to learn how to deal with the ups and downs that are an inherent part of any relationship. As parents, we recognize the fleeting quality of an adolescent relationship and know that as much as our child tries to convince us he/she is “in love,” chances are the relationship isn’t going to last more than a few months at most.  Finding a balance between supervising activities, while still allowing for a sort of emotional exploration, is a good approach to dealing with adolescent dating.

So, how serious is too serious? I guess that depends upon your perspective and your personal belief system. Ultimately, you decide what you are and are not comfortable with as far your son or daughter dating.”
-Denise Rowden, Parent Coach (2024)